I know its been a while... and yes a lot has happened but i am still alive and stronger than ever....I am still the old Katie Valko...aka "Valks".... I still remember all of you people who have made an impact on my life and if you are questioning wheather or not you are one of those people chances are...if i have ever meet you, you are one of them...I dont think i can honestly say that i dont care for anyone who i have ever meet or came in contact with... each person i have meet taught me something i will carry with me to my grave, and  i thank you for that.

I have Loved...and I have Lost... right now I love and i am lost... I want to be loved and i know that i am but theres still that tiny little void... Today is November 12th... it might just be another day for all of you people but for me its a one year anniversery of memories...memories of love, laughter, tickles, happiness, joy, excitment, passsion the thought of our first kiss...one year ago today...but not only that but pain, hurt, sorrow, heart ache, fear, and sadness...Yes throughout this year i have felt all of these feelings with the one whom i love... we have had our ups and our downs...more downs than ups...but thats what the future is for to give us more ups.... as i sit here and type this reflecting on this past entire year.... Nov. 12th 2004- Nov. 12th 2005... i still have hope for us...for the future we know we are meant to share together... u say you love me and want to grow old with me...well the truth is... i really want that too its just.... its going to take work and more love than we have givin to this relationship that we have together... i love you... but i am scared.... no...Terrified...please bear with me help me through this....show me the real you... open me up again...make me obliviouse to the pain and hurt that love brings.... take everything bad away and give me the goods.... Pretend that your my First and that I am your First that way...we will be obliviouse to hurt and pain because we will have never experienced it... Take me in your arms and lets fly...I love you Big Josh Hare.... u r my one...my only....my true love....

I know its been a while but my computer at home is broken and it seems that i can only write when i am up at my sisters...  Well a whole lot has happened in these past couple of months... Me and Josh are a happy couple once again... it took awhile for me to trust him again but he's really proved to me a whole lot and i am happy to say that we are in love... ahhhhhhhh haha* Valentines day was probably one of the best days of my life...so far... I can honestly tell that josh truly does love and care for me instead of getting me flowers and candy he took the extra step forward and got really creative...i know its gunna sound funny but it was the sweetest thing i have ever recieved before and it made me cry...He got me the tenth aniversery childrens book "Guess How Much I Love You" and all throughout the book he made it so that the names were changed to Katie and Josh it was soooo cute it meant so much to me that he would even think of doing something that sweet for me...it made my heart melt completely. He also made me this really nice candlelite dinner it was so romantic it made me just fall harder and harder for him. I seriously dont think i have been this happy since last summer.

ALSO I GOT INTO THE UNIVERSITY OF WISCONSIN STOUT BABY... hella yea i am so excited college is going to be a blast i cant wait... the only downfall is i will be in Menominee and Josh will be back in Rochester...  well i get to bring my car and you know what that means frequent trips to see my boo... Jessica sent in her app. last week i sure hope she gets in then we can room together!!! Well its been a busy day of shoppin in the cities i think im gunna go eat some dinner with Jenny & Steve, Liz & Troy, and Me & no Josh.... : ( he's in duluth till tomorrow.... just one more day till i can see his beautiful face again... 

"It's Amazing How I Can Still Love Someone So Much After All The Pain They Put Me Through....This Ones For You.... ZAH...."

I don't know your face no more
Or feel your touch that I adore
I don't know your face no more
It's just a place I'm looking for
We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in a different world
We might as well

I don't know your thoughts these days
We're strangers in an empty space
I don't understand your heart
It's easier to be apart

We might as well be strangers in another town
We might as well be living in a another time
We might as well
We might as well be strangers
Be strangers
For all I know of you now
For all I know of you now
For all I know of you now
For all I know

Well this weekend was really crazy....lets see i got my wisdom teeth pulled friday morning and i slept most of the day away...then on friday nite...(keep in mind my dentist told me not to make any plans for friday nite and that i should just rest) i decided to go out and party...bad idea...well me and leah...(this girl that i work with at EXPRESS...shes so cool i love that gurl) and laura decided to go to this one party that Josh invited me to...so we go there and josh is drunk off his ass and im there lookin all cute and shit cuz i spent like 2 hours getting ready... i mean i did my hair in barrel curls and everything was just right...well the first thing josh says to me is that i looked so sexy for just getting my teeth pulled and yea i took that as a complement because i was feeling pretty damn good about myself considering how much pain i was in...well the nite went on and laura went off and hung out with MG and me and leah hung out and when i asked josh to get me and leah a can of coke he was like "fuck that u get it urself..." i was so pissed but i walked up the stairs to get it...leah looked at me and was like "WOW katie he is an ass hole..." well i just kinda ignored it cuz ya kno he was drunk and shit so i just blew it off...me and leah went off for like a 1/2 hour when we came back Josh came and cornered me in the kitchen when no one was around and like was trying to kiss me and shit and i was like STOP like i was really pissed at him for how he was acting towards me it made me so mad...well he got pissed and did exactly what he did to me 3 weeks ago he got up and went home with out even telling me....That was it i was pissed i called him and told him it was over and he got all mad and drove back to talk to me cuz he didnt want to let me go...so we talked for like 1 hour @ the Mcdonalds parking lot and i just wanted to go home and go to sleep i mean it was 3 AM in the morning so i asked him to drive me the one block up to my house and he told me to get out and walk my ass home so i opened the door to get out and walk home cuz i was so pissed but he grabed my arm and didnt let me go he was like "baby dont leave u dont wanna miss out on this beautiful opprotunity that we have together" he's all like "Katie i really want to be with you....blah blah blah" so i kinda feel for it and i went back to his house with him...well we stayed up till like 8 in the morning then during that time he said something along the lines that he has me wrapped around his finger and he knows it...i just looked at him and i got so upset and he was like being a complete ass hole...i started to cry and he looked over at me like "what why are u so upset what did i do now...." just then i realized that i was just being used by him so his mom gave me a ride home...and later on last nite i broke up with him....he got so mad at me and started swearing at me and threatening me and shit so one of my really close family friends called him up and told him to leave me the fuck alone or that if he didnt his ass would be kicked and josh was all like "bring it on dude..." then he hung up he was scared shitless it was so funny....so for about 2 more hours he kept texting me threatening me and shit and i ignored him...see like 3 days after we started going out he told me that if i ever broke up with him he wouldnt let me get away with it...and i was like "O yea what are u gunna do then...." He was like well if u ever see a bag of sugar out side ur car i wouldnt start ur car up....I was like what the hell does that mean josh?....and he was all like it means that i put sugar in your gas tank....OMG that totally freaked the hell outta me i was like dude this guy is psycho but i continued to stay with him cuz i was just really lonely even tho i didnt really wanna be with him in the first place i mean i tried to break up with him 4 times now and finally last nite i put my foot down and did it..... i cant even believe josh he sent me this text last nite and was like "Wow katie that Zach guy really fucked u up...now you cant even trust guys ne more because of him..." that made me so mad because he knows nothing about me and Zach and even tho i hate Zach with all my heart Josh has no rite to say that shit to me...I am stronger because of what has happend to me in my past and now that i broke up with Josh i am like SUPER stronger...I kno that i deserve better than the guys that i have been draggin in and i kno that someday i will find someone good enough for me...im just so sick of all these losers who fall in love with me then treat me like shit i cant take it ne more...from now on im raising my standards im not looking for ne thing right now i just want to be single and have fun i will know when love comes my way but i am no longer looking for it... when the time is rite it will find me...

     So this morning i went to go return the $100 christmas present i bought him at Abercrombie and then guy that was working there was like...."Did u guys break up?" because i was returning this shirt and colonge i bought him and i was like "Yea i broke up with him last nite." Then the guy was like "How old are u..." So i said "18" and he was like "Well im offering you a job right now all you have to do is stand around and look good...its an easy job and i know that you would be good at it..." i just laughed and told him  that i work at Express and he was like "Oh well you kno u cant work 2 places at the mall...you should just quite at Express and start here..." I was like ummmm No thank you...and just got my money back and left....haha well ne ways now i am at my sisters house in the cities celebrating xmas and everyone is asking where my b/f is because josh was supposed to cum up to mee the entire family so i explained to everyone that he was an ass hole so i broke up with him... i feel so proud of my self....i never thought id break up with ne one because im not like that at all i get so attached to ppl and then i end up getting hurt by them in the end...but this weekend when i saw those signs from Josh i knew that he wasnt what i wanted in a b/f so i let him go...later last nite at 3 AM after he had threatened me for breaking up with me he sends me a text saying..."O baby i hope that we can still be friends...i really think your a cool girl Katie pleaze let me kno if your willing to be friends still..." I just laughed and texted him back and said "Fuck no...." DAMN it felt so good.....

[x ]been drunk.

[x]smoked pot

[x]Did something you could go to jail for.

[x]kissed a member of the opposite sex.

[ ]rode in a taxi.

[x]been dumped.

[x]Dumped someone.

[ ]shoplifted.

[ ]been fired.

[x]had a job.

[ ]been in a fist fight.

[x]snuck out

[ ]been arrested.

[x]stole something from your job.

[ ]celebrated new years in times square.

[ ]went on a blind date. 

[x]smoked a cigarette.

[ ]gone on an airplane by yourself.

[ ]broken a bone.

[x]had sex in a car.

[x]white lied to a friend.

[x]went swimming in your bathtub

[x]had a crush on a teacher.

[ ]celebrated mardi-gras in new orleans.

 [ ]been to europe.

[ ]made out in a movie theater.

[x]taken caffine pills.

[x] been to disney world.

[x] had a crush on someone you hardly knew.

[x]been to california.

[ ]been skinny dipping.

[x]regretted something.

[x]peed in a cemetary.

[x]skipped school.

[x]thrown up from drinking.

[ ]lost a parent

[x]kissed a member of the same sex.

[x]had sex with a boy.

 [ ]had sex with a girl.

[ ]been in a car accident.

[x]partied for days and days straight.

[x]had a family member die.

[x]played 'clue'.

[x]had a sleepover party

[x]went ice skating.

[x]been cheated on.

[x]had a boyfriend/girlfriend.

[ ] had a 3some.

[ ]had a sweet sixteen

[x]had/have a car. 

[x]drove.

[x]have a bf.

[ ]have a gf.

[ ]have a crush.

[ ]have a dog

[x]have your own room.

[x]listen to rap.

[x]paint your nails.

[ ]play a sport.

[ ]play more than one sport.

[ ]watch sports on tv.

[x]have a fav. group/singer/artist.

[x]have more than 1 best friend.

[x]get good grades.

[ ]play an instrument.

[x] have slippers.

[ ]wear boxers.

[x]wear black eyeliner.

[x]like the color blue.

[x]like the color yellow.

[x]like to read.

[x]like to write.

[x]have long hair.

[ ]have short hair.

[x]have a cell phone.

[ ]have a laptop.

[ ]have a pager.

are you?

[ ]ugly.

[ ]pretty.

[x]ok.

[x]bored.

[x]happy.

[ ]bilingual.

[x]white.

[ ]Black

[ ]Mexican.

[ ]short.

[x]medium.

[ ]tall.

[ ]grounded.

[ ]sick.

[x]lazy.

[ ]talking to someone

[ ]IMing someone.

[x]scared to die.

[x]sleepy.

[ ]annoyed.

[ ]on the phone.

[ ]in your room.

[ ]drinking something.

[ ]eating something.

[x]in your pjs. 

[x]ticklish.

[x]listening to music.

[ ]homophobic.

[x] been in love

[x] had your heart broken

[x] broke a heart

[x] self mutilation

[ ] cheated on your b/f or g/f 

well this weekend was really fun...the Elwoods are outta town on Family business so they asked me to house sit while they were gone. So I've been staying at the Elwoods since thursday and im here until Monday nite...its been a nice vacay for me from my family...its like i have my own house...its awesome!!! I gotta admit tho her 2 dogs and butters are crazier than i thought...haha*...Well friday nite Me, Josh, heather, carly, jerad, and two other guys all went up to Red Wing to go the to Casino...T.I. it was so much fun i won $40 i was so fricken proud of myself.... then we left the casino @ midnite and decided to go to perkins on our way  home...OMG what an experience we almost got kicked out because Josh was crazy drunk and outta controll like the manager had to come talk to us like 3 times...and threatened to call the cops on us...well then this one drunk girl and her b/f came in and sat down at the table next to us she was being loud too so we started talking to her...she had this really cool Michelob flashing beer pin on her shirt that i wanted so she was cool enough ( or so i thought) to give it to me...well we started talking to her and shit and she told us she was 22 and had a 2 year old son so i asked what his name was...BIG ASS MISTAKE!!! she said Zach...so i was like OMG i hate that name...and she totally tweeked out on me and like got up out of her seat and wanted to fight me...all of my friends were just watching like WHAT THE FUCK... and i tried to explain to the chick that i was sure her son was a good kid it was just that i hate the name Zach for obviouse reasons and tried to explain to her but she was so pissed off that she wouldnt listen...so i got kinda scared and decided to go out to my car and wait for the rest of my peeps to finish eating so that we could go and i wouldnt get the shit kick out of... as we were driving away i flipped her off and i saw her get up and run outside to her car to follow us...well being the crazy driver that i am i totally smoked her ass and lost her...it was hilariouse....

        later that nite was sooooooo much fun lets see... hmmm it was really weird cuz Heather and Carly full out Dyked out in the back room...and i walked in on them having SEX together it was disgusting the guys all were like turned on and wanted to like video tape it and shit and i was like what the fuck this is so gross... That was the first time ive ever seen that before and it was crazy... later that nite Josh spent the nite with me at lauras and then on saturday i had to work for a lil bit i had only gotten 2 hours of sleep so i was really tired...later that nite Josh came back over and brought 3 movies we went out to eat at Dos Amigos...It was so good...then we went shopping for a birthday present for his mom...later we went back to lauras and watched the first movie and then passed out...then we got up at like 10 went to Cub foods to get some coke...and then went back to lauras to watch more movies it was so sweet Josh told me that he is falling in love with me...he said that he wasnt going to say he loved me till he really truly meant it but he said that he feels that he is falling for me...he is so unbeleivable adorable i mean he already is talking about taking me to Prom...and shit...he is like yea i want you to come up to Duluth with me so that you can meet my cool grandparents...he wants to take me camping and stuff...he's like "Katie i can see us being together for a long time..." and he almost started to cry when he was telling me that he was falling in love with me... i also started to get teary eyed it was so damn cute...well I kno i havent really told you alot about him but He is 20 years old, with blonde hair, tall, athletic toned, tan, and really sweet....OMG and i totally found out the truth about all those rumors about him... He told me the truth and what really happened...like the gun rumor and the beatings rumor...he explained it to me and told me the whole story and he said that people let it get out of control by making up stories about him...Which arent true by the way...Josh is a really good guy and i am so lucky i have him...idk i mean i've only been in love once before and i kno what it feels like... i kno i am not in love with Josh right now because i kno what love feels like but i kno that i am on my way there with him and i could stumble across love with him in just a matter of time... he is so good to me and treats me with respect... wow i never thought i would ever feel this was about anyone after what had happened with me and Zach but im starting to realize that i am a very lovable person and that Josh truly does care about me so much....much more than Zach ever did and that makes me so happy...Idk i kno it sounds crazy but i can see myself with Josh for a very long time...like he said...well only time will tell but love is just around the corner...

       Hey Laura Chocolate Bra...I MISS YOU come home soon i have so much to fill u in on....and i have something to tell you that will put a big ass smile on your face...I love you Laura... Hugs and Kisses to everyone *MUAH...

Well its official...me and Josh are a couple.... yea last nite i went to visit him in the wonderful world of Stewyville, and we talked and i told him all of my concerns and he told me his and we talked them out and finally came to the conclusion that we should really give this relationship a try...i mean we both want it so why the hell not....right!?!?! Idk i just really need to get on with my life and give all the love that i have inside of me out to someone who deserves it... I am so ready to love again its unreal...ahhhh *HAPPINESS* : D....

      Well Dan...aka "D" is mad at me at the moment i mean i guess i cant really blame him....i mean i was just really confussed and didnt know what i wanted exactly but now ive made my decision and im stickin with it...hopefully things will continue to go great like they are already....

Well last nite me and Laura went to SV to go to Caleabs because Bill wanted to meet laura and Dan wanted to see me....so we get there and everythings cool right until Heather calls everyone in the house looking for me and my phone number.....well u see i just meet heather like a week ago and i guess she kinda swings both ways....yea....so the guys all told me that she likes me and shit and im like WTF..... This is so crazy outta control....it makes me kinda uncomfortable ya kno.... idk tho...supposidly there are some pretty crazy UNTRUE rumors that are going around caleabs house about me and Dan which i was quite pissed about...it makes me so mad when ppl jump to conclusions....seriously ppl dont kno shit.... I just really dont know what the hell i am going to do about this whole Josh and Dan thing i mean i feel like i am playing them both and i hate it cuz i just want to be with one of them and i dont know which one i want to be with right now..... It really isnt fair to Josh, Dan or Me what is goin on right now.... I mean fuck some one just tell me what to do because i cant figure this out........